Welcome to the general discussion forum of the Frederick Health Hospice Grief Support Network! We hope that this is a place where you can feel comfortable sharing about your grief experience, and where you can receive support from others - both from our grief counselors, as well as other people in your community who are grieving. Feel free to share about anything related to your experience, all we ask is that we all work together to keep this a safe and supportive space for sharing.
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I’m a little angry. Tuesday was my loved ones birthday. I have worked very hard to use purposeful, healthy strategies to keep myself from going to a dark place with my grief. I feel this whole Coronavirus got in my way on Tuesday. I feel I couldn’t celebrate or honor my loved one the way I would have liked. I didn’t feel comfortable going to the store to get flowers to bring to the gravesite. I’m trying to teach my kids, model the importance of only doing essential activities. I felt this was an extra luxury I shouldn’t take part in. So I didn’t. I felt bad about breaking my ritual.
Has anyone else struggled with the pandemic interrupting the way you would normally grieve, or honor your loved one on a special date? How were you able to be creative and improvise?
Trish, I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating this must have felt. Birthdays and holidays are tough enough already without your loved one, but a global pandemic makes it especially challenging when you can't perform the grief ritual you had in mind to remember your person.
We are all grieving not being able to see our loved ones as is, but I think it's important to remember that we're also continuing to grieve those who are no longer with us, and grieving the way we used to grieve when we could go out and about!
Thanks so much for sharing this!
Mourning During COVID-19
So much has changed in so quickly. As we all begin to move through these shifts we are being asked to quickly adjust to a new sense of normal, for what seems like indefinite amount of time. We have more questions than we have answers right now and the unease that this creates in us all is pervasive and palpable.
As we navigate these new norms in the midst of COVID-19, we are being asked a great deal. In some circumstances the safety protocols put into place dictate that we must remain separate from those that we hold closest and most dear to us, even when they are critically-ill. Social distancing restrictions have begun impact our ability to mourn in the way that we are used to—at our loved one’s bedside or even during memorial services alongside others that knew and loved this person with you.
In the wake of these changes how do we allow ourselves the space to mourn the loss of our loved ones?
Before we explore this, we would first like to acknowledge the distinct difference between grief and mourning. Often these words are used synonymously, when in fact they are different. Grief refers the complex tapestry of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are triggered by loss. Grief is the internal experience of the loss. Mourning, however, is the outward or external expression of our grief experience and is a key component of our healing from loss.
Mourning rituals vary widely across communities, cultures, and belief systems but often include commonly recognized rituals such as funerals and celebrations of life but can (and do!) include a wide variety of activities that extend far beyond these examples.
Below are some ideas for meaningful mourning rituals or memorialization activities to consider during social distancing:
1. Live stream the memorial service
2. Consider a cremation or small burial now and a larger gathering in the future
3. Create an online photo-slideshow or scrapbook of memories you and others shared with your loved one (you can even invite others to contribute pictures)
4. Sing, play music, or reminisce about memories using a video conferencing platform
5. Create small daily rituals that you can do on your own or as a group to remember and honor your loved one
6. Create a memorial garden or plant a tree
7. Create a memory box
Whatever you do, know that there isn’t a one size fits all model for grief and mourning. Sometimes, especially during this unprecedented moment, it takes some exploration and creativity to find what works for you and those that you share your grief with. Please feel free to share any ideas, thoughts, or comments you have below.
Orange marmalade
(Continuing Bonds)
Today I decided to toast an English muffin and slather it with orange marmalade. This is an example of a tiny thing I do to stay connected, to remember, to keep her close. I conjure up memories of watching her put orange marmalade on almost everything. The messier, the better.
I continue my bond with her by finding meaning and symbolism in everyday things. This is a strategy I’ve put in place, a way I have learned to live with my grief. I wear certain things, like my Italian horn or something that belonged to her. I wear certain colors that represent something about her. Purple for Alzheimer’s, aqua for her birthstone, plum because she loved that color, and it’s the color of the eggplants she used in her famous eggplant parmesan. I’ve found symbolism in certain images like a dragonfly, I love when I see them flying around. It makes me feel like she is hovering over me. I listen to certain music to connect with her. Anything from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack to Tina Turner. I keep my Italian heritage alive because I’m just as proud of it as she always was. I talk about her, I tell funny stories about her. Heck, I even have conversations with her sometimes. All of these things make me smile because I remember her in that moment. I hold these things close and find a way to make them a part of my day.
I invite you to explore how you can find meaning in your own grief . Find your strength in what seems like a sea of impossible emotions. Find those special colors, symbols or actual items. Collect the memories and keep them close. Step in front of your grief for but a moment.
Share with us the ways you continue your bond with your loved one.
Tell us a story about your loved one.
What is a ritual you could start as a way to stay connected to your special person?
This following post is shared on the behalf of bereaved, Kathy. In it she shares about her grief journey and some of the ways she has found healing through loss:
I lost my husband of 38 years a little over three months ago after a two week unexpected illness. In addition to this, I lost my father in July of 2019. My father came to stay with my husband and I and after only 13 days he passed away while I held his hand. My husband parred after 14 days in the hospital with our 2 sons, daughter-in-law, and myself by his side. We had Frederick Health Hospice both times. There are no words I can say without sounding sappy to explain how these amazing people helped me and my family through these horrible days and how they treated my dad and husband with such grace and respect to their very last breath. I will forever be grateful to each of them.
Accomplishing something has been good for me. My husband’s little memorial garden makes me smile and think of our good times every time I look at it. Every day when I tend to the garden I know how much he would love it and it helps me.
So think outside of the box as you grieve. You don’t have to journal because that’s what “they” say to do. Do whatever make you feel good and happy. There are no rules in grief. You deserve some time to feel good and your loved one that you are grieving would be happy knowing you are doing something joyful for yourself.